new fear unlocked:

i’m scared about the possibility of me not crying once my father’s time has come to end and see other people judge me for it.

i feel so bad that i don’t feel feelings and the thought of it doesn’t even make me sad.

that’s how fucked up it is for me.

i did it.

i was supposed to have a happy day since it’s the anniversary of my favorite kpop group and i’m looking forward to the new song they’ll release hours from now but i spoke to the phone to both of my parents.

mother called first saying she has plans on visiting us tomorrow then i called father to tell him but he got mad because he said he doesn’t want me to tell her that he knows she’s coming but i made a mistake and already told her.

father knows that the main purpose of mother’s visit is to ask for money and not to meet us again after a year.

i got scolded then i got mad at myself so i did it. thrice.

texted my mother told her not to visit anymore because father couldn’t give her any money anyways but mother replied and said she only wanted to see us.

what am i supposed to do now?

lol just remembered that i’m scheduled for a job simulation process soon so i probably shouldn’t do anything stupid haha 

i thought that i’m already better than the person i was before. that i know how to control my thoughts and feelings more. that i grew. but i guess i’m still that girl who accepts things as they are without question. the girl who’s too kind. the girl who still refuse to share her thoughts, feelings or anything about her at all because she knows no one would care. the girl who thinks that she will always be a burden. the girl who always feel guilty whenever good things happen to her. the girl who never tries to be happy, to feel genuine happiness, because she knows she doesn’t deserve it. she will never deserve it.

oh god it’s been a ~long~ while since i posted here but nothing changed. there’s a lot of things that make me happy and things that i look forward to but my resent for my mere existence will always be greater than anything else.

it’s funny how the first thing that came to my mind when i went to my father and saw how mad he was at me was my wrist and the pair of scissors i had back home

if i did what i always think of everytime i held a pair of scissors in my hands whenever i fought with my sister, i probably wouldn’t be here anymore.

my family always says that i have a bad personality because i don’t talk go out with my friends often, i don’t socialize, i have an attitude problem, i’m too snobby, etc.

but the truth is, they just never really took the time to get to know me better. they can’t even pretend to be interested whenever i talk about the things i love. they tell me that i bore them. they critize everything i do so i always end up not talking to them about what’s happening in my life which gets me criticized for. again.

when i was still in college, i knew i had major depression. my friends knew that i was too negative, too toxic, but they still remained and were always there to talk to me when i needed help. i’m grateful that i have them.

so how did i know i was depressed? i was tired. then i thought about dying. many times.

why am i talking about this? because i feel this way right now.

i finished college last year but the pandemic made it hard for me to celebrate. it was like the world was telling me that i don’t get to celebrate and deserve anything good for once.

how’s my life right now? terrible. i’m lost. i’m unmotivated. i don’t know what to do with my life.

recently, i had a fight with my sister and got the urge to get a pair of scissors. i always do that, hold a pair of scissors and try to calm myself down whenever i feel like crying because of stupid things or whenever i hate myself. i’ve never done it though. yes, it. but in my mind, i already have.

i know this is so weird, my flow of thinking is weird, but i’m just typing what my mind is thinking right now. typing this helps me organize my thoughts and eventually makes me feel a little bit better.

anyway, that’s it. i think. if anyone is reading this, i hope you’re having a better day than me. stay safe. take care.

carpediim:

sometimes i think about how constellations are an entirely man-made construct and don’t actually exhist inherently in nature. i mean, the universe just gave us stars, and we saw art and myths and stories in them. the capacity that humans have for seeing purpose in the incidental makes me realize just how lonely we are on this planet, desperately searching for meaning elsewhere in the universe.

Dear Jonghyun,

I miss you. A year after you left, I remember wanting to be with you. Fast forward to 2020 and here I am, still hoping that my life would eventually get better. I actually thought about giving up so many times but I’m still left with a little bit of hope in me and in the world so I’m trying my best to live. Your music helped. Your music continues to console me and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes I watch old videos of you and they still never fail to make me smile. You never fail to make me smile. Sometimes I leave messages on your instagram posts and pretend you could read them. A lot of people do and I find some kind of comfort knowing that I’m not the only one who thinks of you, who runs to you whenever we’re struggling. Some share updates and improvements about their lives and it makes me happy to see that you’re one of the people they want to share it with.

I miss you. A lot. I still think about what it would be like if you were still here but I know that you’re happy. I wish I could tell you that it never gets easier but we’re okay. We found strength in you. You will always be our sunshine, our angel. ♡

Sincerely,

Your fan who just graduated college and i’m actually kinda’ proud of myself that I made it this far and you’re one of the reasons why so thank you. :)

coral:

Don’t ever give up something that feels right because it probably is.

bluedreamindublin:

you love him. not because he’s in a group and he has talent, but you love him because he cares and makes you feel wanted. you love him in a different way. and I didn’t even have to say his name.